Andrew Fuller (1754-1815) leaves "lying, cursing and swearing," for Christianity and becomes a pastor and theologian.

The Conversion of Fuller

Andrew Fuller (1754-1815)

The events surrounding Fuller's conversion are vital to a clear understanding of his subsequent life and ministry.  Fuller came to believe that he had been unnecessarily held back from salvation by the faulty theological assumptions that permeated the church of his upbringing.  He dedicated much of his ministry to working to overturn the High Calvinistic system then in vogue in many British Particular Baptist churches.  The story of Fuller's conversion can largely be told in his own words, thanks to the preservation of a series of lengthy letters he wrote on that topic.

"What believing was, I neither knew nor was I greatly concerned to know."

Jacob Wrestling with the Angel, by Rembrandt

Fuller recounts that the sins of his childhood included "lying, cursing, and swearing."  He matured into a powerfully built man over six feet tall.  This strong build helped him to excel in wrestling.  His success in this popular pastime opened the door to spending free time with "other wicked young people," by which means his "progress in the way of death became greatly accelerated."  Petty gambling, acts of daring, and adolescent pranks worked together to deaden Fuller's conscience.  Though he sat regularly under the preaching of Pastor Eve, there was little visible effect.  Fuller describes why: "The preaching upon which I attended was not adapted to awaken my conscience, as the minister had seldom anything to say except to believers, and what believing was I neither knew nor was I greatly concerned to know."


In spite of Pastor Eve's shortcomings as an evangelist, the Word he preached became an effective tool when wielded by the Holy Spirit.  Fuller records that at about age 14, he began to have episodic bouts of deep conviction.  For example, he recalled,

What doest though here, Elijah?

Elijah in the wilderness, by Washington Allston.

"One winter evening, I remember going with a number of other boys to a smith's shop, to warm ourselves by his fire.  Presently they began to sing vain songs.  This appeared to me so much like reveling, that I felt something within me which would not suffer me to join them, and while I sat silent in rather an unpleasant muse, those words sunk into my mind like a dagger, "What doest though here, Elijah?"  I immediately left the company, yet shocking to reflect upon, I walked away murmuring in my heart against God, that I could not be left alone, and suffered to take my pleasure like other young people."

Andrew Fuller thinks about the future

William Blake: Christian Reading in His Book (Plate 2, 1824–27) from Pilgrim's Progress (1678) by John Bunyan

For the first time in his life, the onset of these seasons of conviction caused Fuller "to have much serious thought about futurity."  Following a path familiar to almost all English Dissenters, Fuller began to read some of the classic treatises of evangelical Christianity.  Among the titles he mentioned are John Bunyan's (1628-1688) Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners and the ubiquitous Pilgrim's Progress.  He also derived benefit from the work of a Scottish author, Ralph Erskine (1685-1752); he particularly mentions being "almost overcome with weeping" at reading his A Gospel Catechism for Young Christians; or, Christ All in All in Our Complete Redemption.

Relief of allegory of Faith on the Holy Trinity Column in Olomouc

Armed now with more direct information on the necessity of a personal conversion, Fuller struggled for several years with whether or not he had come to faith.  Scenes like the following happened to the conscientious young Fuller more than once:

"I felt myself the slave of sin.  I perceived that my heart was wicked, and that it was not in me to turn to God, or to break off my sins by righteousness.  Iniquity will be my ruin!"

Depiction of socage on the royal demesne in feudal England, ca. 1310.

"I was at times the subject of such convictions and affections, that I really thought myself converted; and lived under that delusion a long time.  The ground on which I rested that opinion was as follows --- One morning, I think about the year 1767, as I was walking alone, I began to think seriously what would become of my poor soul, and was deeply affected in thinking of my condition.  I felt myself the slave of sin, and that it had such power over me that it was vain for me to think of extracting myself from its thralldom.  Till now, I did not know but that I could repent at any time; but now I perceived that my heart was wicked, and that it was not in me to turn to God, or to break off my sins by righteousness.  I saw that if God would forgive me all the past, and offer me the kingdom of heaven, on condition of giving up wicked pursuits, I should not accept it.  This conviction was accompanied with great depression of heart.  I walked sorrowfully along, repeating these words: Iniquity will be my ruin!  Iniquity will be my ruin!  While poring over my unhappy case, those words those words of the Apostle suddenly occurred to my mind, "Sin shall not have dominion over you, for ye are not under the law, but under grace."  Now the suggestion of a text of scripture to the mind, especially if it came with power, was generally considered by the religious people with whom I occasionally associated, as a promise coming immediately from God.  I therefore so understood it, and thought that God had thus revealed to me that I was in a state of salvation, and that therefore iniquity should not, as I had feared, be my ruin.  The effect was, I was overcome with joy and transport.  I shed, I suppose, thousands of tears as I walked along, and seemed to feel myself, as it were, in a new world....But strange as it may appear, though my face that morning was, I believe, swoln [sic] with weeping, yet before night all was gone and forgotten, and I returned to my former vices with as eager a gust as ever."

Fuller assumed that he must be essentially passive in conversion.  His mind was blinded to the possibility that he could throw himself on the mercy of God as a sinner.

The Conversion of Saint Paul, a 1600 painting by Italian artist Caravaggio (1571–1610)

Fuller assumed that he must be essentially passive in conversion.  Following the hyper-Calvinistic teaching of the Soham Baptist Church, he devoted his spiritual energy to seeking evidence that God had moved upon his soul in regeneration.  In the parlance of the day, he was seeking a "warrant" to believe.  At this point, his mind was blinded to the possibility that he could throw himself on the mercy of God as a sinner.

Fuller never exercised personal faith in Christ and was never converted.  Each repeated failure to find a spiritual peace led to increasing despair

Despair (1894), Edvard Munch

Though this process was repeated several times during his early teen years, Fuller never exercised personal faith in Christ and was never converted.  As he said, "I have great reason to think that the great deep of my heart's depravity had not yet been broken up, and that all my religion was without any abiding principle."  Each repeated failure to find a spiritual peace led to increasing despair in Fuller's life.  He poignantly describes the dilemma he felt:

 To hope for forgiveness in the course that I was in was the height of presumption

Rembrandt – "The Return of the Prodigal Son

"Indeed, I knew not what to do!  I durst not promise amendment: for I saw such promises were self-deception.  To hope for forgiveness in the course that I was in was the height of presumption; and to think of Christ, after having so basely abused his grace, seemed too much.  So I had no refuge.  At one moment, I thought of giving myself up to despair.  "I may," said I within myself, "even return, and take my fill of sin; I can be but lost."  This thought made me shudder at myself.  My heart revolted.  "What!," thought I, "Give up Christ, and hope, and heaven!"  Those lines of Ralph Erskine's then occurred to my mind:


'But say, if all the gusts
And grains of love be spent,
Say, Farewell Christ, and welcome lusts --
Stop, stop; I melt, I faint!


I could not bear the thought of plunging myself into endless ruin.

Though he had gone down these spiritual blind alleys, he finally found the Savior:

The Passage (The Dead End)

Though he had gone down these spiritual blind alleys "perhaps ten times over," one cold November morning in 1769, he finally found the Savior:

To cast my perishing soul upon the Lord Jesus Christ for salvation, to be both pardoned and purified

The Damned Soul. Drawing by Michelangelo Buonarroti c. 1525

"I was like a man a man drowning, looking every way for help, or, rather, catching for something by which he might save his life.  I tried to find whether there were any hope in the divine mercy, any in the Saviour of sinners; but felt repulsed by the thought of mercy having been so basely abused already.  In this state of mind, as I was moving slowly on, I thought of the resolution of Job, "Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him."  I paused and repeated the words over and over.  Each repetition seemed to kindle a ray of hope, mixed with determination, if I might, to cast my perishing soul upon the Lord Jesus Christ for salvation, to be both pardoned and purified; for I felt that I needed the one as much as the other.

King Ahasuerus and Queen Esther (artist unknown)

"I was not then aware that any poor sinner had a warrant to believe in Christ for the salvation of his soul; but supposed there must be some kind of qualification to entitle him to it.  Yet I was aware that I had no qualifications.  On a review of my resolution at that time, it seems to resemble that of Esther, who went into the king's presence contrary to law and at the hazard of her life.  Like her, I seemed reduced to extremities, impelled by dire necessity to run all hazards, even though I should perish in the attempt.  Yet it was not altogether from a dread of wrath that I fled to this refuge; for I well remember that I felt something attracting in the Saviour.  "I must -- I will -- yes -- I will trust my soul, my sinful, lost soul in his hands.  If I perish, I perish!"  However it was, I was determined to cast myself upon Christ, thinking, peradventure, he would save my soul; and if not, I could be but lost.  In this way I continued above an hour, weeping and supplicating mercy for the Saviour's sake.  My soul has it still in remembrance and is humbled in me!  And as the eye of the mind was more and more fixed upon him, my guilt and fears were gradually and insensibly removed."

Fuller clarified the role of hyper-Calvinism in sidetracking him spiritually

A peace sign, which is widely associated with pacifism

Fuller's extended struggle to find peace in Christ was a formative influence in the life of the pastor-theologian.  He clarified the role of hyper-Calvinism in sidetracking him spiritually:
"I now found rest for my troubled soul; and I reckon that I should have found it sooner, if I had not entertained the notion of my having no warrant to come to Christ without some previous qualification.  This notion was a bar that kept me back for a time; though, through divine drawings, I was enabled to overleap it....And if, at that time, I had known that any poor sinner might warrantably have trusted in him for salvation, I believe I should have done so and have found rest to my soul sooner than I did.  I mention this because it may be the case with others, who may be kept in darkness and despondency by erroneous views of the gospel much longer than I was."

In my ways, Fuller's life work can be seen as a labor to correct these "erroneous views of the gospel."

Source: Brewster, Paul. Andrew Fuller: Model Pastor-Theologian. Nashville, TN: Broadman & Holman, 2010, pages to 11 to 16.